Hate how I love you
by bs13
Summary: For Peddie One-Shot Week! A tribute to the awful events of 9/11. Patricia and Eddie- we all know how their love is a complicated one- yet we know there is so much more. So when they lose each other, how will the lovers react? Prepare to cry!


**Who the hell would do something as stupid as the events from 9/11? I hated how all that happened. I was only two at the time, but I know of it's effect. So even though it's not September 11, here's a tribute to it, Peddie style. I don't own House of Anubis!**

"I tried to take her hand. I tried to hold her, to tell her it would be alright. She was angry, and I don't blame her. I said some hurtful things...she did too. I have the worst guilt, though. We broke up literally seconds before it happened. I still can't believe...I can't believe it. Who would do that? Take innocent people's lives? I...I don't know if it's right to say this..." Eddie glanced down at the floor, ashamed.

"Keep going, it's alright," the man sitting opposite him said.

"She...she was perfect. And...I let her down. We were fighting over something...it was something stupid, I know, and...she walked away. I started to follow, and then...the plane struck the twin towers. She looked terrified. That was the first time I'd ever seen her scared. I tried to take her hand, and she kind of resented me at first...but when she started to reach...everything crashed at once. She...she was caught under it all, and a fireman was already pulling me away, I...I didn't know what I did. I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't let her go, maybe she wouldn't have died. I kept screaming her name...I kept calling and waiting. Waiting for her to return to me...to be mine again." Eddie wiped at a tear.

***flashback***

_"I don't want you to move companies," Patricia pleaded to her boyfriend as they walked, hand in hand._

_"I know, but I need to. This company will pay so much better, and-" Eddie began._

_"But your ex-girlfriend works there!" Patricia blurted._

_"What? Patricia...are you jealous?" Eddie laughed lightly at this new side of Patricia._

_"No!" Patricia yelled defensively. _

_"I think you are," Eddie teased. "Patricia's jealous..."_

_"Stop talking, Weasel," Patricia snarled._

_"Babe, there's nothing between us anymore. I love you," Eddie turned serious again. "KT and I...we're nothing now."_

_"That's what you said before you dated her!" Patricia yanked her hand away, crossing her arms in defiance. _

_"Hey, I came back, didn't I? I do love you." Eddie insisted._

_"Shut up! Do you see me as some prize or something?" Patricia snapped._

_"You dumped me, you realize that, right?" Eddie said, his eyes sparkling with amusement. _

_"You're a jerk!" Patricia yelled._

_"What? And you're not? You dumped me for no reason!" Eddie yelled back._

_"I dumped you because I wanted to!" Patricia said._

_"Oh, so that's your logic. Well guess what? I don't want to deal with it!" Eddie blew up._

_"Maybe you shouldn't, then!" Patricia blurted._

_"Maybe I won't." Eddie crossed his own arms. _

_"Fine. Go. I hate you anyways." Patricia mumbled._

_"I won't do that. I care too much-" Eddie tried to say, feeling resentful. _

_"You don't care! You shoved me aside when I still wanted you!" Patricia said, feeling sad. _

_"Well why did you break up with me, then?!" Eddie said, surprised._

_"Because...because..." Patricia stammered._

_"I'm listening." Eddie said. _

_"Fuck you! I was scared, okay? Scared to lose you! And you just decided to rip my heart and step all over it!" Patricia exploded. _

_"Hey, don't be like that, Patricia. Patricia? What..where are you going?" Eddie said as Patricia started to walk away. _

_"Away from you!" Patricia said venomously. _

_"I'm sorry! Why didn't you tell me- Patricia! Wait!" Eddie ran after her._

***End flashback***

"It was like a thousand dead souls smothering me. I was so blank...so empty, I-I think when those towers crashed, I did too. There was so much screams. So many tears. Sirens kept wailing, and I saw this one woman who broke down. She kept clawing at the ruins, trying to find her son. She kept cutting her fingers, and her hands were covered in blood. Tears kept falling out of her eyes, and when the police tried to move her from the scene, she wouldn't. I felt so sorry for her. She was like me; she had lost her life along with her loved one. I knew how she felt. I was her, inside of me. I was more of...numb. And I hate myself for it." Eddie's fingers were clenched and white as he gripped the chair handles.

"Why would you hate yourself?" the man questioned.

"Because I was stone. I could've at least showed I cared. I know, somehow, she was watching me. I just know. And now she would think I didn't care. But I do. And it just...it makes me angry! I don't know, I- am I making sense?" Eddie asked desperately.

"Completely,"the man assured him.

"Well...I feel like I owe her so much. Without her...life's been dull. Not worth living. I don't know...it's just those stupid people...they took her from me..." Eddie placed his head in his hands.

"And how does that make you feel?" the man inquired.

"Alone! Empty, I don't...know. I just don't know why such sick people even try this stuff. Because of them, we've lost everything! I've lost everything. She was my everything! And I...never even got a chance to say goodbye." Eddie was now quietly sobbing.

"Do you feel like you owe her as much?" the man asked softly.

"I never got to tell her how much I cared. How much she meant to me. How her living was basically my existence. How I loved her so much. How whenever she smiled, the world would smile. How every time she teased me, I would feel so much happiness, so much joy. I don't know why...but whenever she made me feel bad, I felt...good. I don't know, I- I just feel so...incomplete without her." Eddie whispered this part, feeling utterly alone.

"And how do you feel after telling me this?" the man asked.

"I feel...wait, what?" Eddie did a double take as he studied the man before him.

"Excuse me?" the man lifted an eyebrow.

"You're...who...who are you, and why am I talking to you?" Eddie said, feeling slightly troubled.

"It's alright, Eddie. It's me, Fabian," the man said.

"F-Fabian? But I don't...I don't know a Fabian." Eddie said, even thought the name was ringing a bell in his head.

"I was your roommate at Anubis House." Fabian said.

"Oh. I just...I forgot I was...ever at Anubis House, it...it reminds me of her, actually." Eddie lowered his head again, a flood of sorrow overcoming him.

"I know," Fabian said. "I'm sorry."

"So why am I telling you this again? I always...I always forget," Eddie said. "I feel like I've said this before, but...why did you ask me?"

"It's alright. I didn't expect you to,"Fabian said. "And I was just... wondering. I feel like I should know why you're...here."

"Well, sorry about everything- I'll just go now," Eddie said, shakily standing up.

"Um...you realize you can't, right?" Fabian furrowed a brow. "Do you...do you know where you are?"

"What?" Eddie said.

"You...you're in the Frobisher hospital for the mentally ill," Fabian said slowly.

"Wow," Eddie said quietly, dropping back in his chair. "All these years...I've been so blind. So paralyzed, so...numb. Why am I here? Is it bad I wish I could've at least told her goodbye? Is it wrong that I miss her?"

"No, Eddie," Fabian said softly. "But you've let it consume you."

"I loved her, Fabian," Eddie said. "She was my life."

"I know, Eddie," Fabian said. "We've all, at one time or another, gone through a loss of a loved one."

"But yours wasn't as bad as mine," Eddie said. "You didn't lose your whole world."

"Do you think Patricia would want you like this?" Fabian asked with sincerity. "I think she'd tell you to suck it up. She wouldn't want you mourning her for so long."

"You don't know her like I did," Eddie said stubbornly.

"I didn't," Fabian agreed. "But she was my friend once too."

"I'm sorry," Eddie said after a prolonged silence. "But I feel as if I shouldn't be telling you this."

"I respect your decision," Fabian said at last, and he stood up. He handed Eddie an envelope.

"What is this?" Eddie questioned.

"A letter Mara found in her and Patricia's room," Fabian said. "After you two broke up, back in high school."

"Mara..." Eddie mumbled, the name familiar on his tongue. He turned the envelope, his eyes taking in the scrawl of her writing.

"I'll leave you to it," Fabian said, and he exited the room. Eddie turned the envelope in his hands, over and over again. Then he silently slid his finger under the flap, the envelope opening easily. With a quick, deep breath, he pulled out a piece of notebook paper. It was her writing. Eddie's fingers traced every corner of it, cherishing it more than he ever imagined he would. Then he began to read.

* * *

Eddie.

If you get this, then you know I'm really desperate. I don't know why I'm angry. I just am. I know I broke up with you, and I know I shouldn't be so rude to you. I just don't like how you and KT are growing so close. I might want you back. Ok, now I'm definitely not giving you this letter. I just need to write this, I guess. I'm scared. Yes, I am scared. Patricia Williamson is scared! Happy, universe? I don't hate you- at least, not anymore. I'm scared I love you. I don't know love. I don't know us. I don't know you, or me, or anyone else, it seems. I don't think I'm ready for this kind of thing- we were so close, and now we've strayed. Don't deny it- wait, I'm not even talking to you. Now I'm getting delusional! I hate myself now, not you. I made a mistake leaving you, I know. I don't hate KT. I hate how she's replaced Nina, taken space in my room, and most importantly...I hate how she has you. It seems like everything you do, you have to have KT along. What I don't get, or know, is why. Do you like her back? It's just killing me. I think I'll always be alone...or at least, without you- it's probably the same thing, isn't it? You were my first kiss, my first boyfriend...and probably my last. I miss you, Slimeball. I miss you a lot. You'll never get this letter, I know, cause I'll burn it before you do. Or just hide it. Maybe one day I'll find it and realize just how stupid I am...wait, I already know how stupid I am...for leaving you. I hate everything now: your stupid nicknames for me, your stupid American accent, the way you tease me, the way you used to hold and kiss me- but what I hate the most is how you make me love you. It's scary, it's weird, and I really want to hit my head on the desk right now. So I'll leave it be- because I know you'll never want me back again.

You already know who it is, and I won't send this to you,

Patricia

* * *

Eddie dropped the paper, barely aware of his tears. He shivered as he felt a chill; he turned and saw her. Patricia, her hair flowing and dressed in white. She smiled kindly at him- something he'd never seen before- before whispering three words into his ear.

"I love you," she said, just as her image began to fade. Eddie only numbly reached for her, but his fingers touched nothing but air. He remembered something he picked up as a kid- ghosts only stick around if they have unfinished business...then he realized it was him. He was what she needed to make amends with- and she had.

"Love you too, Yacker," Eddie said softly, and he relaxed in his chair, suddenly calmer. He glanced down at the paper in his hands. Suddenly, it seemed to glow in his eyes.

**I love making sad couple moments for some reasons. *tear* So guys, this was my entry to Peddie week...hope you all liked it, so, review please!**


End file.
